What makes life good?

Today Eden and I had a moment.  I great moment.  Let me share the story:

Yesterday afternoon I was frantically rushing to dress, put makeup on and fix my hair. I had hopes of running a bunch of errands on my way to my parents' house, where I would drop off Eden and then head up to work for an evening of teaching piano.  As I scrambled, I turned away and left Eden unattended for just a few seconds.  As soon as I was a few steps away, I heard a sharp painful cry! Now, Eden hardly ever cries.  She will "babble" and whimper when she needs something, but today her sharp wailing let me know that she was hurt.  I dashed over to Eden to discover that she had grabbed my straightener (she just started lunging, and I'm still not used to the far distances she can cross) and burnt herself! I pulled the straightener off her body and swooped her wailing self into my arms.  Tears streamed down her cheeks. I could tell there was so much pain in her little body.

And, it was my fault.  

Ugh. And you know what else was my fault? The first time she fell off the bed. And the second, when I should have known better. And the third, when I thought she was in an okay place. And the fourth, when I ran to the fridge to quickly put up some pumped milk.  I mean, really? 

I cradled her and told her how sorry I was.  She cried.  I tried to nurse her.  Cried again.  I walked (cried), sat down (cried), stood up (cried), held her close (cried), gave her "space," (cried)... I finally nursed her lying down in our bed, which is her favorite.  She would nurse for a bit, then cry, then nurse, then cry, then nurse.... 

My head was spinning: Why didn't I learn? Here I have the most perfect little being in my arms, a precious little girl who has never hurt me, who trusts me, and who needs me to protect her.  And what had I done? I hurt her. 

This went on for about 20min, which felt like an eternity.  

And I will continue to hurt her! She's not even 6 months old, and I already have a long list.  And, there will be other things: ways that I will disappoint her, embarrass her, or break her heart...

My mind flashed to other times when babies have been hurt. I thought about Jewish babies in concentration camps and families sailing on the Titanic with their young children...  I could look into Eden's eyes and see fear and confusion. It was heartbreaking. 

Suddenly, all these images swirled in my head, mixing with the intense guilt I was feeling, and I began to sob. I just held my little girl and sobbed. I told her how sorry I was. I told her that I never, never wanted to hurt her again. I just cried and cried.  

She suddenly stopped crying and looked at me.  

She gazed directly into my eyes.  We locked eyes, mine full of tears and hers clear for the first time in a long while. She slowly smiled.  Not the kind of smile that baby gives when amused, or "jollied," but the kind of smile that says, quite simple, "Okay, I understand." She calmly held this expression as I cried and I eventually settled. I wondered if she would pick up her cry as soon as I stopped, but she didn't. She was done.  We were both done. 

Now, you could look at this story a lot of different ways; let me articulate a view.  

I believe when she was crying she was telling me how much it hurt.  She wanted me to understand.  After all, when grownups get hurt, we want to tell someone and I don't see why babies would be any different.  When I started crying, I think Eden realized that I did understand and that I - too - was hurting.  And once this connection was made, she was able to settled herself.  I think this touched her deeply.  If you could have seen her face.  It was not a baby face; it was a mature face. I have never seen an expression - such a deep understanding - on the face of a young child.  I think she understood my emphasizing with her, so she, in turn, emphasized with me.  It is ironic to me that while I was trying to comfort her she was actually the one comforting me.   It's okay mom.  I love you.   I thought,  this is probably just the first of many times that my children will comfort me.  

This was a precious, precious, moment. I didn't make it to my errands. I didn't even make it to my parents' house (which is another funny story). I barely squeaked into work. But, as I lay on the bed with Eden, I took time to enjoy that moment. And, in reflection, I'm thinking that this is what makes life good: the collection and enjoyment of great moments, and the hope that heaven is their continuation and fulfillment.